“I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” -Jim Carey
We are now a month in for the 2017 year, so it is safe to ask the question, “How are your New Year’s Resolutions holding up?” Either the answer to this question does not exist because you chose not to make one to avoid the disappointment; Or the answer could be either uplifting or discouraging. Either way, there was some sort of goal that you set with the idea of a positive outcome. However, how many of you have went after a goal based on the feelings you thought you would feel get once you accomplished the goal? More importantly, how many lessons and heartbreaks have we earned from trying to attain a goal based on the outcome feelings? Many souls make a goal to finish university and obtain a degree with the idea that an accomplished feeling will create happiness in life. The belief that obtaining this degree will fill a spiritual hole and create a feeling of no longer being “lost”, and life will be all the sudden become real. Unfortunately, life was always real, so will not suddenly alter your powers like a mushroom would in Super Mario Bros or spinach for Popeye. Instead, many finally reach this goal of college graduation and the feelings that arise are completely opposite of what you may have thought. Nevertheless, all was not lost and life continues to show who is boss. Everything exists to create connection. The 4+ years to complete the goal may not have created an accomplished feeling, but it did create connection that molded memories that will last for life. Friends were made, formalities created, character was established that will propel a person into the rest of their lives. The new individual that came out of the other side did not change themselves alone, but with the help of connection. To feel connected, we need to be seen, heard, and valued. There are areas in the world that display patterns of longevity and happiness among its community members, “Blue Zones” as researchers may call them. Within these communities, connection is prioritized through activities like praying together, walking together, simply nurturing time together with families. The focus was centered on the relationship with others, with people who see, hear and value one another. My first few years of my professional athletic career, through a misfortune of events, I was left training/coaching myself. I researched alone, trained essentially alone, and eventually competed alone in events all around the world. Such loneliness took a toll, and performance dramatically declined and the body responded similarly. It wasn’t until I made the move to train in Phoenix, AZ with Altis where I felt a revival of my career, and even motivation. It was there when connection was made and a creation of ritual was developed. Ritual, in this context, is defined not so much in a religious or sacred ideal, but more so as something we already do daily. Ritual serves to be the most powerful means of developing connection. For athletes, that ritual is practice and competing. Every day, we choose to make our way to the track, gasp for air during warm up protocols, scare ourselves before the first reps, and pray to the track gods after the lactic acid attacks us all. Daily, we prioritize connection through our repeated actions. The Olympic runs and World Championships are great results, but it is the “family connection” that we developed for 11 months of the year. I get to the track and Mikel Thomas is blasting Caribbean music with Schillonie Calvert and Melaine Walker vibing in the background. Wilfried Koffi makes his daily rounds to every person on the track, making sure everyone gets a hello. The “muppettes” (Ella Nelson, Jodie Duck, Jodie Williams, Jasmine Todd, ShaiAnne Davis) make their way in giggling and bringing light to the methodical Coach Stu. Coach Andreas is bringing up a great tweet he saw on Pandas and LeBron James. Ameer Webb comes blasting music from his phone barely making it before warm up starts, and Andre DeGrasse comes strolling in as if he’s at the wrong track, but still cheesing. Curtis Mitchell speaks truth and keeps everyone on their toes and at their highest game. And of course, Akeem Haynes, the guru of the group, blesses the group with his swagger and power. There are so many more in the group, all with different roles in the development of this connection. It makes the goal more attainable. It makes the journey beforehand more enjoyable. It makes the character that I want to become, more established. Your New Year’s Resolution will not be accomplished alone, but rather through connection and ritual. You are allowed to feel seen, heard, and valued; open yourself to those blessings. Connection is not created by the things we go get, but by the things we do.
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We suffer more from our own imagination than we do from reality.
I am an obvious introvert; so, it makes sense that I am in my own mind more than anything else. With the newly elected president, treacherous terrains in the Amazon forest, the most dangerous place on this Earth will still have to be located inside this lopsided head of mine. The mind is the most powerful entity; hard to study, scientifically difficult to define, yet present in every idea that has developed mankind. Just from this simple description, it sounds as if the mind is uncontrollable, and we either are lucky or not to live a perceivable “sane” and normal life. Notice I added “perceivable” to what should be normal and sane in life. What is considered a life that is normal and sane is not proven through theory and science, but generally based on how the majority perceives it. Who says that it is normal to graduate high school, obtain a college degree, get a great job and get married before the age of 30? History of the majority. It is a general belief that history will be bound to repeat itself, and that we must learn from our past so that we may progress in the future. All that is fine and dandy, but this history that is put on repeat is not working out well for me. I have yet to reach 30 in age, but there are no signs of a marriage in my near future and this career of running track isn’t the traditional route to life success. I am currently at a point where I have never felt so lonely and lost, so was the majority right? But Jeremy, how can that possibly be when you are now closer (in proximity) to your family and home? Maybe if I knew, I could answer the question and fix the problem. However, the largest unknown variable in this equation is the fact that I don’t know who I am or even who I was. I hear what other people tell me what I am; an Olympian, a friend, a crush, a role model, an actual model. I still fail to hear an answer that is fulfilling. That, in and of itself, is the problem. I listen to the opinions of others, and fail to ask my own questions. With the new year approaching, I believe I need to ask better questions. What do I care about? What matters to me? What don’t I know? If I was not so worried about what others thought, what would I do? To be in the moment is to be free from the past and future. Instead of learning from the past and history, I will take notes from those of the future, and children are great examples of living life. I’ve had the unfortunate, but fortunate opportunity to meet a lot of children facing death. Sad story, but ask them, and they would tell you that focus is on the life they currently have, and not the life they will dream to have, because it is just that, a dream. Nor is it about the life they lived. Behind the shadow of fear, there is a life of freedom, a life waiting to be lived, a life waiting to be owned. We never really know where we will be, but we can trust in life because it will bring us to where we need to be. We can trust that following our hearts will lead to the manifestation of our dreams. Nevertheless, this simple act does not have to be some grand act of faith. It does not mean finding the vision for a big future and compromising the present to get there. Instead, I invite us all to live in the moment, to practice the act of following our hearts by gentle, honest, moment-to-moment listening. In this realm of loneliness, we have no choice or option but to choose ourselves. We see it as our last resort, or we can see it as the only thing strong enough to withstand this thing we call life. The only way to find true happiness is to risk being cut open and rely on the courage that has always, and will always be there when all else fades. If you hear to enjoy a warm chocolate cookie at this very moment, do it, because I know I will. Enjoy your holidays friends. To answer the million-dollar question (or rather the hundred-dollar question): Yes, MTV did do a special about my health condition. No, it was not Catfish, but YES, it was the same guy who did host several seasons of Catfish. MTV created a new show, Suspect, that had hosts Nev Schulman and IO Tillett Wright investigate truth behind secrets family members or close friends may have been keeping from those who care about them. The deceptions ranged from secret identities, hidden addictions, to health issues, all secrets that needed intervention to prevent relationships from deteriorating.
My “secret” dealt with my health, a brain condition called hydrocephalus. I discovered the issue my first year in university, but thought nothing of it. It wasn’t until 2011 when it became worse, causing me to undergo chemotherapy treatment. It was surely a rough time in my life, especially since I chose to go through it alone. That choice to go through it alone grew to be a complex problem that I still battle today. I did not tell my family because I felt as if it was my punishment, I felt as if I let them down. Given the circumstances of what was going on that year, they have gone through enough already on my behalf. I lost a contract from Nike that provided money I promised my family. I disgraced the community of my university and the coaches that trusted me. I felt it only right that nobody else should have to endure more pain because of me, so I kept quiet. When MTV approached me to highlight my struggle, I agreed, but only with the hopes to gain market exposure and possibly gain endorsements and funding. That did not happen. I made the least amount of money this season then in my whole career. Whoops. And, for those who know me, know I could care less about being famous, so that was not the reason. To clarify, the production team did a great job at creating a storyline within the show to help the audience follow along. But, to speak truth now that it has premiered over the world, I knew all that was going on except the result of the MRI. I certainly did not agree to appear on the show for an intervention. Anyone who knows of an “ambush” would run away as far as possible. Before the filming, I told myself that the other reason I will do it is to hopefully share this story so to help whoever is battling their own struggle. It wasn’t until afterwards, that I believed that. Why would I tell myself a lie of noble cause if I did not believe in it, fully at least? I thought it could bring me peace. I thought it could save me from myself. Hiding my “secret” from family and friends was me settling for this illusion of peace I hope to create. My hopes were that once the show came out, everything could solve itself. I quickly learned, nobody accidentally finds peace. Filming was the easy part. Hearing the stories of the struggles people shared with me afterward was the hard part. I was forced to finally reflect the truth behind my struggles. I am grateful for the opportunity MTV has given me, but then again, who wouldn’t be happy to appear on television around the world. However, I am even more grateful that I shared my story, and more importantly, people reacted. I have yet to watch the episode, but to hear an Olympic stadium cheer for me when I walked on the track, shows me that many other people did watch. Instead, they don’t cheer for me, but with me because of the story I brought out for themselves. Share your story, the true story, whether struggle, triumph, or failure, because holding it inside with create no benefit for you or the world. Almost as rare as a shooting star, every four years the world comes together to celebrate human ability and culture through the avenue of sport. This has developed into an event that has become a worldwide spectacle, a platform of great achievements. The Olympics is a lifelong dream that many individuals desire since early childhood. For majority of dreamers, there was some sort of experience that sparked excitement and ignited a goal that would steer them down a specific path. That dream of participating at the highest stage of sport is prevalent, and very distinguishable, to the point that magnifies the value of the Olympic Games. I’ve never had such dreams. Honestly, I’ve never had dreams at all; no dreams of living in a mansion with five cars, no dreams of a wife and kids, no dreams of anything. When asked about my future, my response would reflect how I see the person asking. If a professor asked of my future, I would give a response that would make that person, who has given their time and effort towards the guiding of young lives, feel as if their work has been accomplished. If it were a reporter, the answer would reflect the theme of the story they are hoping to write. The answer would never be the truth, maybe a possible truth, but never my full truth. I began writing blogs to give a side of myself that not many have seen. The process has since become a way of self-examination and discovery, an unintentional means of therapy. Recently, I have been wanting to tell of my Olympic experience. I delayed because I told myself that I want to form a masterpiece of this “supposed” great experience. Or rather, I told myself that the audience wants to read a masterpiece, not my experience. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered I have a problem. I am a perfectionist, and it is becoming self-destructive. Brené Brown brought to my attention in her book, Daring Greatly, how we all hide behind different shields, not as a tool for battle, but as a façade to hide our vulnerabilities. When we do so, we fail to live, we fail to experience life. That is when I realized I failed to live and experience the Olympic Games. The Olympics was to be the grand finale for the many storylines. It was going to a story of triumph for an individual battling a life-threatening brain condition. It was going to be a story of strength of an athlete blacklisted from a federation, only to emerge once again and prove what they missed out on. It was going to be a story of an unlikely hero carrying the hopes of a small country to Olympic glory. In the eyes of a perfectionist, none of those came about in a manner that I had hoped, and because of that, I felt tremendous shame. Where was my shield to hide behind now? Striving for excellence and the idea of perfectionism are not synonymous. Instead of being about growth, perfectionism is a defensive move that hopes to minimize the pain that comes from judgment and shame. At the very core, it is centered and based on others and their approval. This fear that we may not meet people’s expectations will constantly keep us hustling. It is an idea centered around perception, something that is impossible to control. Instead of allowing our true potential to flourish, we forgo internal motivation which requires bravery, and choose the easy route by simply playing the role already expected. I did everything well in regards to my physical body leading up to the Games. Times in training runs were indicative of a potentially great performance. Health was phenomenal and everything was falling into place. The only thing that could stop me from shocking the world was myself; and, regrettably, I let myself win. To break away from this hold of perfectionism, I needed to appreciate the “beauty of my cracks” and accept the truth about who I am. I needed to let go of what people would think, and move towards the belief that “I am enough.” The gun went off, the stadium erupted, I became conscious, and 20 seconds later, it was over. I felt I failed everyone (family, friends, coaches, country, teammates) except for myself. How could someone feel as if they failed everyone but themselves… if/when they didn’t believe in themselves to begin with? This track season, World Championships are in London, August 2017. This season will be dedicated to realizing the truth of who I am, and appreciating every bit of that person. Through mindfulness training, self-kindness, common humanity, I will make this journey a discovery of new land. Finding the beauty in our cracks is discovering that the beauty comes from its own existence; no longer living to the expectation of others, but still standing without compromise. Jeremy Dodson, I am an Olympian; but that is only one sentence in this novel of life. |
AuthorJeremy Dodson is a Track & Field Olympian who struggles with the idea of perfection, hoping to break the barrier we place on ourselves so that genuine living can take place for everyone. Archives
October 2023
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