Loneliness is a peculiar companion. As an introvert, I've always found comfort and clarity in solitude. In solitude, I can dive deeper into my thoughts. In solitude, I can reflect on every scenario that played out beforehand and examine every event in detail. In solitude, I can dwell in silence.
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But lately, the silence feels heavier than usual. 

I love to be alone, I recharge and thrive in it, but recently it feels as even my own presence has abandoned me. Sadly, many things have left me lately – love, health, my memory. I am severely tired and I am not sure if it is because I am scared of sleeping, or if it is just my body being in a constant battle to function. I find myself lost regularly, oftentimes waking up in a lost panic only to discover I am in my own bed.

Why don’t you get some help?

Hmmm, well why didn’t I think of that. (I hope you read the sarcasm)

It has now been five years of living with a constant headache. I still manage migraines on a weekly basis, but the symptoms are adding up and I am losing strength, and perhaps faith, to continue forward.

So much so, that it tears at my confidence and affects those I love the most, pushing them away physically and emotionally.

I am starting from scratch, again, with new doctors, hoping to find some form of direction to this pain, but the hope has taken quite the beating at this point. I am at a stage where I see myself as a huge burden who does not deserve the time or the help.

To not be an infection that brings dull skies to everyone around me, I tried stepping away from everyone’s attention. But, no matter how hard I try to hide behind a smile, hide in distractions, the world finds me.

This wound is getting to large to hide that eventually the light will find it.

Perhaps I will let it find me; perhaps I will soak myself in its rays.
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There will be days when you see me in crutches, days when I come around with scars on my face. There will be days when I move slower than normal or days I am quieter than normal. However, there will always be days where I look to bring smiles to those around me because that seems to be the only medicine working.

It’s been a while since I sat down to just write. As an introvert – a person who lives in their mind – writing is a release from the chaos within us. And, not allowing myself to release the mess does not necessarily create a build-up of pandemonium but essentially causes my brain to not think at all. To not think at all is the definition of a brain on autopilot, or in other words, a brain that is numb.

I can blame it on being busy, but we are all busy. Some are busy saving the world, others are busy saving their world, and few are busy saving themselves. What was I busy doing?

I moved to Switzerland for an opportunity. I experienced two Olympic Games from another perspective. I lived an affirmation I spoke on when I was back in university. I saw another world only a few can dream about. Yet, I moved to Switzerland to run away.

I ran away to escape a diagnosis. After failed chemo treatments, I thought a move would numb my brain into thinking my condition did not exist, and perhaps I could find life again. However, life had a way of showing me that it was never lost but, instead, not fully experienced.

I watch people, and I love it. If there was a job to be a professional people-watcher, I would be CEO of the company. Couple that with the sensitivity of an introvert; you get a person who seeks to make others happy and would do anything possible to make that happen, even if it’s at the expense of their own happiness.

The problem with watching others around you is that you must take the time to watch yourself. Recently, I was forced to sit with myself, something terrifying for a person like me because you are afraid of what you will eventually find.

Alone, exhausted, and vulnerable, shame found me once again.

I failed. I failed to bring happiness to the person I loved dearly. I failed to provide more support for my family. I failed to rid myself of the illness that infects my body. Now, once again, I am alone, except in another country and probably in worse conditions than I started with.

It is selfish to think you can make everyone happy. It is selfish to think you can save the world with a broken spirit. People can feel your energy, especially those who love you. Although I was so content making them happy, they could feel I wasn’t happy internally, leading them to think my unhappiness was their fault.

We cannot continue to save the world as broken spirits. However, we also cannot think we can save ourselves alone. There is a beautiful relationship between giving and receiving love, and I want to explore that connection more, without shame, doubt, or hesitation.

​It has been some time since I’ve written, rarely finding the motivation to deliver. I battled with the never-ending issue of perfection as inspiration refused to make an appearance for my wandering mind. I was paralyzed in the unknown, something I know we all felt.
 
Though, 2020 could be to blamed, right?

In a time where the world could finally come together under the idea of unity, we chose to pick the selfish route, protecting ourselves to survive. The trivial act of hoarding toilet paper turned into a greater act of hoarding vaccines. Countries blamed one another instead of coming together, and in several instances, turned on each other in more hate.

The act of survival… an archaic, barbaric idea that seems to never leave us, no matter how advanced we believe to have come.

Nonetheless, this is not to talk of the chaos of this world, because I am sure I’ve added in one way or another. Yet, this is to speak on what happened within the chaos, or at least in my world. Perhaps this is to answer the question of why I chose to pick up and move to Switzerland in the middle of a pandemic.

Early 2020 most saw I went back through chemo for brain cysts and complications. Cysts revealed tumors, and after 10 rounds of Docetaxel, relief was found, or at least for the moment.

Life appeared to be gifted back to me, and it was my choice to choose what I would do with it. All paths led to pushing for one last Olympic Games. I had a new training group, improved in my neurofeedback sessions. I found new energy and joy. That is, until I lost it.

I began to have issues with my memory, oftentimes lost in my own city. Random rages of anger popped up as I lashed against loved ones. I was not myself, or the person I wanted to be, and that brought major concerns and fears.

Was it just the atmosphere of a world crisis? Possibly; but that would be the easy excuse.

Truth was, my body wasn't cooperating to treatment, and eventually the inevitable truth that my limited time was becoming evident, although you could say that is for everyone. The difference was that I knew what is limiting mine.

One of my best friends once told me a simple truth about life.

There are things that give you life and direction, purpose and reason. Those things will be your vehicle that can take you places you may never have dreamed with memories that will never be forgotten.

Athletics was that vehicle for me at the time.

She went on to explain that this vehicle gives you so much, and you will take from it happily, and abundantly. However, much like a rental car, after the adventure is to be had, make sure we fill it up before we depart.

She was 9 years old at the time, my side kick during chemotherapy in 2011-12. I made a promise to her that I would find a way to fill up whatever gives me life. She was my movie buddy, regularly bringing smiles and laughs, but the moment she spoke of that was the first time I've seen her so serious.

She died a week later from her own chemo treatment.

Moving across the ocean to work for an organization that inspires dreams is my way to give back. Aside from the politics and corporate hassles, I choose to find the good and follow the positive change it has given for many around the world. I have always spoke on making a change or creating an impression that would lead to change, but whenever we do that, we tend to keep it in the distant and never bring it to the present.

However, with the little signs from my body that increase as each day passes, I could tell that I needed to make that distant idea into a present opportunity.

I have also had living in Switzerland part of my life bucket list, so I assumed it was time to start checking off some items, before life says otherwise.

Before, it was a word only heard in science fiction movies when the world was taken over by walking zombies or black-eyed aliens looking to conquer earth. Now, it has become a staple in every person’s vocabulary; a word that first started as a joke, but now has hit everyone harder than expected.
 
Quarantined.

I personally think it is amazing how there is a force that always looks to balance the energy and focus of the world one way or another. In a world that was so fast paced, self-centered, and ironically disconnected, we are now forced to slow down, reconnect, and pay attention to what is really happening around us.
 
The ‘phenomenon’ of living-in-the-moment has now become a necessity that we have been forced to focus on, with no other option to choose.
 
However, we are all in this together. A phrase so cliché and simple, that again, forced to sit down and examine its true meaning.
 
Sharing experiences with another person deepens our enjoyment of the moment. Experiences are amplified, positively or even negatively, when done together in the presence of another soul. You could say that bonding is currently happening, whether slowly or aggressively, in the face of a shared trauma.
 
I understand that the definition of quarantine opposes the statement just made, the idea of bonding and sharing experiences, but I can bet that majority of the world understands completely how the idea of quarantine has, in turn, caused more of a connection than ever before.
 
I’ve seen happy hour socials done through Zoom platforms; happy hour circles formed outside houses. Companies have made it a priority to serve people instead of building numbers. Complete business models have adapted and possibly innovated new ways for how business is to be done. People are talking to each other, not to create business, but to connect and get to know one another.
 
Change, that may have possibly been needed, has started to take place.
 
Throughout my professional career as an athlete, I’ve traveled to some incredible places, locations that others put on vision-boards or dream vacations, locations that you can’t describe through words, but experiences. Yes, I am grateful for those experiences, but if you ask me about my happiness, I wouldn’t list those places as my top favorite moments, mainly because they were experienced alone, without someone I could share with.
 
I would list one of my favorite experiences during a time I went through chemotherapy. During a period of uncertainty, fear, and loneliness, I met a 6-year old girl who held my hand during the entire experience. We watched movies during our sessions, ate doughnuts from the staff. We shared moments together that were ours, and forever ours. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it another year, but the memories of her will never be forgotten.
 
Experiencing moments together is a powerful tool for shaping our happiness.
 
I’ve always believed that had I not shared those moments with her, those small moments of laughter, the big moments of pain, the small moments of watching tv, I am not sure I would have made it this far. The world is going through a time of craziness, but when has the world been so connected in a battle for humanity…
 
Nobody knows what will happen next, or when anything will happen. Literally nobody. But what we do know is that we are here in this moment together. We can focus on the negatives and the things we cannot control, or we can take a breath and discover who we are. How are you going to make use of this time to ‘breathe’... better yet, how will you receive this moment of clarity...