My "Internal" Energy

photo courtesy of Amanda Speva

If I haven't been candid with you before, this is another chance to do so. I've been spreading myself too thinly recently, and it frustrates me because I want to give 100% to everything I do. I want to change the world, but want the world to leave me alone at the same time. Anyways, below is a passage from my so-called diary last night.

I internalize everything. I am constantly failing to fill my own cup. I am so analytical that I can’t even talk about my problems, because even then, I structure it so that it already solved itself. I can’t fully let go without worrying about it being wrong. Everything is so planned, that I don’t even know what is real and candid anymore. Everything is structured for social media, for the image, just so I can make a few extra bucks to satisfy my thirsty bank account. I am so worried about being wrong, that I can’t ever find the words I want to say anymore. I’m stuck in this room deep inside myself and the lock of the door is broken shut. I get so angry when people ask me to talk about my problems because I don’t know what my problems are.
 
I’ve learned to analyze everything around me, from the movement of athletes, the aura given off in their talk, the interaction with their peers, but I fail to analyze myself. Maybe I’ve learned to analyze everything around me so to take away the attention from myself. I hate attention. I hate pictures of myself. I hate hearing myself speak. I’m scared of my own self. How does a person get to that level? I even struggle to leave it to GOD because I feel I’ve been a disappointment for not having it under controlled and figured out. I have a natural pull to help everyone, but am constantly annoyed by the actions of people.
 
I think I love running because you have full control of what every part of your body does. However, too much control can cause the clock to read otherwise. My fake smiles have become the only thing I can do now, but even that ends up giving me tension headaches. I internalize everything so differently that it physically drains my energy. I am an introvert, but don’t get that confused with shyness. I can speak in front of thousands without any hiccups. However, the amount of “internal” energy I give to do that depletes my cup three times faster than another person.
 
How do I know what I want to do when my mind has been compromised to put off this fake self? Who is the real me? How do I find him? Will I ever find him? Is this fake me, the real me? I’ve always said my dream life would be alone in the woods with a shotgun and a dog, having full on conversations with the squirrels and birds. I don’t want to disappear, I love to exist. But this existence at this point is not fulfilling. My cup is beyond emptied, it’s dried up and cracked. But there is always more to give…. Like my chipped pieces. I have been recently told several times that you don’t choose to be a celebrity, it chooses you. A sick twist if it chose me. But if it did, why?

Having said that, I am headed to fill my cup, and maybe check out the new Wonder Woman, alone, with a large bag of popcorn, because it's not fun without one! My journey continues to World Championships in London this August. That I know is true, so I will go for it with all I have.