Control vs Direction

photo by Pao Sanchez

​I am mad.
I am tired, exhausted.
I am lost and confused, not sure of where I should go next.
I am losing hope that I deserve any type of goodness in my life.
 
Instead of being at a track meet for the 50+ youth athletes I coach, I am home in pain, physically and emotionally.
 
Having a youth track team is difficult, mainly because of parents, organizing operations, things that are out of our control. But at the end of the day, month, year, it is more than rewarding to see the change in a young individual through the guidance you have provided. So, at the current moment, I’m frustrated and overthinking about the fact that I failed them.

Instead of laying in head pain all day, I tried to be somewhat productive and listen to a live broadcast of the local church I attend. (Shoutout Flatirons Church)
 
Coincidentally, the topic spoke on the weak, weary, and those carrying heavy burdens. Funny how it is always perfect timing when it comes to needing a word of hope. Although, Is it coincidence?
 
Either way, it spoke on how when we are tired, we have a power waiting for us to give us this rest, a power to give us strength. Whether you believe in God or not, we can’t argue that when we try to control every aspect of our lives for our benefit is when we most feel drained and out of sync. But, when we display care for the things placed in our life, peace overcomes us automatically.
 
The overthinking, analytical mind of mine tries to control everything, so to say we are to care instead of control is a concept I am learning daily.
 
Again, whether you believe in God or not, we’ve all gotten to the point where we’ve had enough and just fell to our face in grief and distress. When you are down there, teary-eyed, frustrated, completely over it, what is it that you ask?
 
I’m confused, overwhelmed, carrying something that I know will crush me beneath soon. Is it possible that the very thing you beg for when you are at your lowest is the same thing that people need from you?
 
Healing doesn’t start happening until you decide which way you want your life to go. Something must change in you before anything can change with your relationships and life.
 
Someone offered to carry my burdens and pain with me, but the confused person I was left before she could even try. The most hurtful thing is someone saying that they are done and walking away when you most needed them. That’s what I thought she did, when really it was what I did, regretfully.
 
I tried to control situations because I thought I knew what was best, I thought I could create happiness. Instead of simply caring for this person that my heart believed was God-sent, I tried to manage the happiness, particularly, her own. I truly believed I was undeserving, and her happiness would be better suited elsewhere.
 
Perhaps the reason I believed I was undeserving was because I didn’t decide where I wanted my life to go. Admittingly, I floated through life with no direct plan of action. I did what was easy, what was comfortable. I rode the train of life not knowing what stop I wanted to get off, hoping that the end of the track doesn’t come soon.
 
Outside looking in, you could see the many accomplishments I achieved and could easily say that I know what I want in life. It wasn’t until recently where a loving friend pointed out that my accomplishments are not what define me, those are just things I did.
 
Reluctantly, I am being “slowed down” to figure out what I want from life, where I want to steer myself, of course with God helping navigate.
 
I know that I am a son, a brother, a friend, a coach. I know that I am an introvert who loves people watching. I am different, I am Jeremy.
 
What I want someday is to be an amazing uncle, friend, homeowner, neighbor. And someday I hope to be a great husband, father, faithful lover, and best-friend.
 
I am defining where I want to go in life, and I guess that’s the first step to this healing process of mine.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.
Henry David Thoreau