A Journey of Heart and Mind

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi

Loneliness is a peculiar companion. As an introvert, I've always found comfort and clarity in solitude. In solitude, I can dive deeper into my thoughts. In solitude, I can reflect on every scenario that played out beforehand and examine every event in detail. In solitude, I can dwell in silence.
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But lately, the silence feels heavier than usual. 

I love to be alone, I recharge and thrive in it, but recently it feels as even my own presence has abandoned me. Sadly, many things have left me lately – love, health, my memory. I am severely tired and I am not sure if it is because I am scared of sleeping, or if it is just my body being in a constant battle to function. I find myself lost regularly, oftentimes waking up in a lost panic only to discover I am in my own bed.

Why don’t you get some help?

Hmmm, well why didn’t I think of that. (I hope you read the sarcasm)

It has now been five years of living with a constant headache. I still manage migraines on a weekly basis, but the symptoms are adding up and I am losing strength, and perhaps faith, to continue forward.

So much so, that it tears at my confidence and affects those I love the most, pushing them away physically and emotionally.

I am starting from scratch, again, with new doctors, hoping to find some form of direction to this pain, but the hope has taken quite the beating at this point. I am at a stage where I see myself as a huge burden who does not deserve the time or the help.

To not be an infection that brings dull skies to everyone around me, I tried stepping away from everyone’s attention. But, no matter how hard I try to hide behind a smile, hide in distractions, the world finds me.

This wound is getting to large to hide that eventually the light will find it.

Perhaps I will let it find me; perhaps I will soak myself in its rays.
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There will be days when you see me in crutches, days when I come around with scars on my face. There will be days when I move slower than normal or days I am quieter than normal. However, there will always be days where I look to bring smiles to those around me because that seems to be the only medicine working.

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." - Rumi